


Painful pleasure

by Dreatheshining



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: F/M, Pain, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:14:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29162484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreatheshining/pseuds/Dreatheshining
Summary: Everything was fine, wasn't it? Lucifer was finally in a relationship with Chloe, the person he loved the most in the whole bloody universe. But then, why couldn't he say three damn words? Words that he already heard from Chloe more than one time and every time he heard them, he just felt more pathetic. How could she say that it's okay? Sometimes he wanted to just disappear because of how unworthy of her he felt.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	Painful pleasure

Everything was fine, wasn't it? Lucifer was finally in a relationship with Chloe, the person he loved the most in the whole bloody universe. But then, why couldn't he say three damn words? Words that he already heard from Chloe more than one time and every time he heard them, he just felt more pathetic. How could she say that it's okay? Sometimes he wanted to just disappear because of how unworthy of her he felt.

" _I love you"_ , Chloe said to him one night before they would fall asleep.

He swallowed hard, trying not to look too frustrated.

"And I you, Detective", he quietly said and turned over so that Chloe couldn't see his face.

And he stayed there, in bed, waiting to hear some of those adorable snores that were the perfect sign of Chloe falling asleep. Lucifer's eyes were pinning a random spot on the wall and zoomed out, letting the monstrous voice in his head take control.

 _Stupid. Coward. You call yourself the Devil, but you can't say three damn words. THREE BLOODY WORDS. She deserves better than you._ I know. _Chloe deserves better than you._ Again, I know. _You're useless. Vulnerable. You can't even protect her._ Stop. _You will be her end. You are the main danger of her life. And you know that. You should've remained in Hell._ No. My home is here. _Pathetic. Hell is your home. Stop intruding into Chloe's life. You're an intrudor, that's what you are._ That's not... _feel it. Feel the pain. This is the pain that you will cause her in the future._

Snores. The room was slowly being filled with Chloe's snores. Lucifer smiled, but it wasn't of happiness. It was the sudden realization of the parasite he was in her life. He couldn't do this now, he couldn't lose himself like that next to her. He took a sip of water and pressed his head in the pillow, trying to fall asleep. 

But what was the point? The next night was the same. And so was the next one. The demon in his head was slowly winning. He started visiting Linda a lot often after a particular night.

 _Do it, you deserve it,_ the voice told Lucifer, who was sitting in his bathroom with a razor blade in his hand. It was the middle of the night and Chloe had fallen asleep a long time ago. But he couldn't. This time, the voice was louder and louder. And he listened.

First, it was on his arm. One simple cut. He stayed still, watching the blood making its way to the floor. Then, he let himself feel the pain that came with it. He deserved this. He needed to get out of Chloe's life and let her live a happy and normal life.

 _Again._ Lucifer listened. After some time he stopped counting the cuts he made. He couldn't even see them clear, his wet eyes making his vision blury.

 _Well done._ He felt empty. He then looked at his arms, at his bloody arms. He started to panic, knowing that he needed to clean his arms as well as the bathroom floor. 

The first touch with the water hurt a lot more than he expected. As he was cleaning his cuts, the pain intensified. And when he thought that it was over, drops of blood were now making the towel dirty. Fresh blood was coming from his cuts and it wasn't going to stop soon. Now, it was time to panic. He couldn't go to bed like this. There's no way Chloe will not notice a bloody bed sheet. 

He had to remain there until the bleeding stops, but he was too tired of doing anything. He didn't feel like he could take care of himself anymore. He just locked the bathroom's door and managed to fall asleep in there.

"Lucifer?"

He heard that, but he didn't open his eyes. Was it morning already? Why did he feel so bad for waking up again?

"Lucifer! Come on, I know you're in there", Chloe said from the other side of the door and kept knocking.

This time, he opened his eyes and analyzed the situation. The blood on his hands was now dried and the one on the floor was hardly visible. He just needed to hide the bloody towel and put his night clothes back on.

"Detective, I am okay! Stop making that annoying sound", Lucifer managed to say.

"I know you stayed in here all night! Please Lucifer, let me it", Chloe said.

Shit. He put the towel behind the toilet and dressed up as fast as he could. His heart started to beat faster and faster as he was approaching the door. The last thing he wanted was Chloe to find out, it would've hurt her too much. 

Lucifer let her in. She carefully looked at him. His hair was messy, his eyes were red and tired. He was also wearing last night's clothes, a sign that he didn't leave the bathroom once. 

"Lucifer...what happened?", she asked and hugged him.

It hurt too much to wrap his arms around her, but he slowly managed to do it anyway.

"Nothing, Detective. I just had a tough night", which, in his defence, it was true.

"Are you sure?", she asked.

"Of course", Lucifer said and gave her a small smile.

"Then how about we take a morning shower together?", she asked and smiled at him.

It was all he ever wanted in that moment, but he couldn't let her see his cuts, which were obviously unhealed due to Chloe's presence.

"Ah, I'm afraid not today, Detective. I have an early appointment with Doctor Martin", which, fortunately for him, it was true.

"Okay then, see you at the precinct?", Chloe asked.

"Of course, darling", Lucifer said and watched her leave, the only moment when his heart started beating at a normal rate.

He took a shower, cleaned all the blood that needed to be cleaned and throwed the towel away. Then, he went to his therapy session, where he needed the urge to confess to Linda everything that was happening. How he was losing himself again. How he felt worthless. A parasite. And Linda listened. It felt so good that someone was listening to him without judging.

"You need to stop hurting yourself, Lucifer. And you need to talk to Chloe", Linda said once more in the end of their session.

"If you so much insist, Doctor, I will", Lucifer said before walking out of the room.

The one good thing in his life was that he could keep himself distracted from his mind during the day. He felt like it was harder to act like his normal self, but he still managed to do it so that Chloe wouldn't have to worry about him. He was still smiling, joking, messing with Dan sometimes so that nobody could ever know what was happening in his mind. 

During the night though, when nothing could distract him anymore and when he couldn't sleep, his only distraction was that damn razor blade. He hated himself even more knowing that he loved that painful pleasure. He really wanted to talk to the Detective, but how could he? How could he tell her how lost he is without hurting her too? 

But he felt like he couldn't stop, even with Linda's help that he truly appreciated. He was a monster and he couldn't stop. Because _it felt right._ It was his punishment and he deserved it. And he took it, if it meant that Chloe would remain happy.


End file.
